Married and flirting Boykins Virginia: the blood of angry men

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mariannapaige: literally being inspired by ladybugs

mariannapaige:

literally being inspired by ladybugs

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AKLgrjhj’sioerhlh,jgk.uaeyrlt8iyuaherwl8o7342r iohiuhiuy,wkjto934kloeriukjkjljflw i’ve...

AKLgrjhj’sioerhlh,jgk.uaeyrlt8iyuaherwl8o7342r iohiuhiuy,wkjto934kloeriukjkjljflw

i’ve started and restarted my feelings like 12 times and so far that^^^ is the best description i have come up with

i keep expecting things to get easier but they dont. and by things i mean tyler. because i was with him for three years and sometimes (all the time) it still really hurts to think about it and it sucks to not be around him and i miss him and wonder about him and i don’t know how to do that in a productive or positive way, or without being a big fat cry baby about it

sometimes it’s still weird with wesley like sometimes i turn to say something to him and i kind of jump a little when he is blonde and six inches shorter and im saying “wes” instead of “babe”.

(thats another thing because for as long as i can remember i called tyler “babe” and he called me “baby” and we rarely used each other’s name and i dont know why that’s just how it was and sometimes wes calls me babe and it makes me nauseous.)

i still feel like tyler and i weren’t meant to be and i know i’m the one who ended it and jumped into a relationship two days later and it frustrates me because it makes me feel like im not allowed to be upset anymore. im the one who is moving on right? im over it right?

“just give me a reason” by pink ft nate ruess is an overplayed technically “mainstream” song that i shouldn’t like because i am completely hipster in my music taste but it’s on replay in my head for literally like the last four days no matter what i am doing or listening to its just there and its because i think of tyler and i wonder if i should have tried. i wonder if i should have waited like everyone told me to. i was sick of his shit and that was never my fault but it became my responsibility when i told him i didnt feel the same anymore. and i didnt. (but could i have?)

god damn it.

but okay let’s revisit the ring analogy here since im an analogy person. i think i don’t miss the ring itself, i miss the idea of it. knowing it was there. playing with it sometimes. but at the end of the day ~~youre another day older~~ it wasn’t where it was supposed to be.

and i still don’t think tyler and i were meant to be and in hindsight, i don’t think anyone was kidding themselves about us either (parents, friends, etc) except him. which. OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT UGH EVERY FUCKING THING ASIDE I THINK THE ONE THING I NEED MROE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW IS CLOSURE AND IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF BECAUSE IDFK HOW TO DO THAT NOW. BECAUSE HE WONT TAKE THE DAMN RING BACK. I CANNOT WALK INTO MY MOTHERS BATHROOM TO STEAL HER SHIT ALL THE TIME AND SEE THAT THING. IT KILLS ME. IT LITERALLY MAKES ME WANT TO DROP TO MY KNEES AND KEEL OVER RIGHT THERE. DEAD.

ugh.

sometimes i feel like i might even be better off single (even though we all know i’d be whining about that too) because its just super weird like

its weird enough to be without tyler you know, and its a whole nother (that is not a word) ball game to also be with someone else.

and im not used to it. its been four years in the making but im not used to wesley, and i want to be, but its just. different. and there’s also this huge part of me that is like pulling my heart back like “nope we can’t give this away to him bc he WILL BREAK IT”

just a nagging sensation in the back of my brain that is trying to make me stop falling in love with him (which is something that has been developing my entire high school career) because there is a 100% probability of not being caught.

he keeps telling me he wants to be with me and is willing to work through college (5hrs and 6min by car just saying) and that we are meant to be and stuff and im just. terrified.

if a three year relationship ended, then a three month relationship right before college is proooooooobably a good idea.

dont get me wrong, wesley is so good to me. like way more than i deserve. he bought me a 40$ stuffed giraffe like what is wrong with him. (i mean granted he bought caytlin a $300 necklace when he was with her soooo). but seriously.

(i named the giraffe gustav and he and stanley are getting along nicely. actually im beginning to feel left out. i am a 5 year old. when we were packing in case we had to evacuate from the fire, stanley and my harry potter books are the things i packed first…)

i also dont know how to deal with my mental issues which is just another can of worms but like i go through this cycle where i see my therapist somewhat regularly for like three weeks and then for some reason i dont make another appointment and i just get so lazy because the feelings build up sooo much in the amount of time it takes me to want to make another appointment so then its like not even worth it to try and make an appointment and relay all of this to her. if that makes sense.

i probably need more meds before i go to college though for real. my anxiety and stress levels are barely manageable now and that is with like absolutely nothing to stress about so add moving away and new classes on top of that and my head will probably explode before i can even ~~become suicidal again~~ swallow my pills.

i am a mess.

closings: BitterSweet ~ by Ozlem Haluk on Flickr.

closings:

BitterSweet ~ by Ozlem Haluk on Flickr.

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When I Know I Am Not

When I Know I Am Not

raptorific: I'M SO ANGRY SOME 16TH CENTURY ASSHOLE WROTE "GOD B W YE" IN A LETTER AS AN...

raptorific:

I'M SO ANGRY

SOME 16TH CENTURY ASSHOLE WROTE "GOD B W YE" IN A LETTER AS AN ABBREVIATION FOR "GOD BE WITH YE"

AND IT APPEARED AS "GODBWYE"

WHICH WAS THEN READ AS "GOODBYE"

AND THAT'S WHY WE SAY "GOODBYE"

BECAUSE OF 16TH CENTURY CHAT SPEAK